Valentines Day 2013 fast Approaching

I didn't post this last February and now have just reread it, I still feel this unrest in my soul, a need to just run away from all life's responsibilities and live free....fly away like a butterfly.

 

My thoughts are in turmoil as we approach Valentines Day.  Thanks to 123Greetings.com for the picture as it does express how I'm feeling.  It never ceases to amaze me how events can change a persons outlook, how easy it is to accept things and make excuses for people because you really want to have a special someone in your life.

I have big life changing decisions to make in the coming year, after all it is my year of continuing change.  The transformation starting in May of 2010 which was stalled this past year 2012 will be closer to being achieved this year 2013.

When I first retired it was my intention to work a tax season which would run from February/March to June have my summer off and then find temp work from September to November/December leaving me time to go south where it is warmer for December/January or February.  That didn't materialize in 2010 as I was called back to help out in the occupation that I retired in.

2013 has me finally on track with a position for the tax season and possible program there in the fall.  This is the first of the changes I'll be making this year.

Rewind

December 2012, my love interest informs me that he is returning to Spain before Christmas and doesn't know when he will be back.  I guess the first suspicion should have been to me was when he sold his vehicle in September, I thought something was amiss but who knows what anyone is really thinking.  One of my fallibleness is that I'm too trusting that people are telling the truth, I always give them the benefit of the doubt.  The thought in the back of my mind remains.  As I sit here I'm still angry, I know he knew that he wanted to go back to Spain to get away from winter, I feel he didn't take me into consideration when making his choices.  Relationships are all about communication and I feel he did just what he wanted to do, something that tells me I'm not an important equation in his life.  Anyone that can make decisions without consulting the one who should matter to them, means that person doesn't really care deeply.

Now I ask you my readers, who leaves someone they supposedly care for prior to Christmas and doesn't give that person proper notice or consideration in their decision?

Christmas, New Years Eve and Valentines day are the most important days of the year for family, and those you truly care about.  All three of these occasions I sit here by myself, alone, realizing that what I thought we may have is not what is real.  I'm not sure I can get past this transgression by someone who I thought really cared for me.  I know from a former 4 year relationship that some men are smooth talkers, they tell you things that you want to here, but they don't mean it.  They say sometimes we are blind to the facts when we want something so bad.  What I wanted was a man who put me first, who loved me unconditionally, who thought of my feelings, who communicated truthfully, who loved me for better or for worse.

My favourite way of putting it follows:

Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky is is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her.'

I feel like I've fell backwards in my search for true lasting love and to complicate it further recent events has produced this further turmoil within me.

Rewind

 

October 2011, you'll remember me writing about the man who broke my heart one October day when he wouldn't return my calls, wouldn't tell me why he didn't want to see me, wouldn't tell me what I had done the evening before that I felt he was so mad with me about.  

Two weeks ago I had a voice message on my Skype, a voice from the past, someone who I would never have suspected to contact me again for any reason.  Fond memories of Cougar and Mercury flashed through my mind as he told me he was putting to print a new book with my writings I contributed from two trips I took with him.  He wanted to know if I wanted a copy, I was so taken back by the fact he contacted me.  Someone who I was never able to get closure from, someone who had hurt me so bad, the worst I've ever been hurt.  My best friend told me that this man had made me feel so bad about myself that she had really been very concerned for me, that the events were something beyond my control and I shouldn't blame myself.

Before Christmas in 2011, I went to church one Sunday morning with a girlfriend to try and find some peacefully resolve to the pain I was going through.  The sermon was about Mary and Joseph, Mary who was pregnant and Joseph who had to make some choices as the baby was not his.  In the end Joseph decided to believe Mary's baby was ordained by a higher order and not infidelity and stayed with her.  I felt that had meaning to my own situation and that God, my angels had answered me and did rest my pain somewhat, in my situation he decided not to believe me and terminated our relationship, something I would have to accept and move on from.

I sent a reply back stating that I would indeed be interested in a copy as I wanted to see if my writings were intact, which he stated were unless I wanted something removed.  I told him I wanted nothing removed as they were a true testament to my feelings and what happened during those two trips.  He explained that when he got it from print he would contact me again.

Two weeks later, he messages me that he has the book and we decide to meet at Tim Hortons close to where I work.  He is there already when I arrive, I get myself a tea and promptly sit down across from him.  All my old feelings are coming to the forefront, I realise I never really moved on as the song "Lips of an Angel" goes.  I still love him....

We talk about the book, I tell him I'm infamous, he corrects me with the correct pronunciation which made me laugh.  He has a little thank you for the Cougar at the end of the book.  I wonder why he went to the trouble to contact me and want to gift me with a copy?  For me I knew I wanted to see him again, bringing to mind the Zac Brown song "Colder Weather".  I for one want to know why his answer was:

"She'd trade Colorado if he'd take her with him
Closes the door before the winter lets the cold in,
And wonders if her love is strong enough to make him stay,
She's answered by the tail lights
Shining through the window pane"

He tells me he bought a house with a mate, I tell him he is finally setting down roots in Canada. I tell him about the things I've done over the last year. 

One thing I do notice is he is looking me in the eye as we speak, something he always avoided before.  I make comment on it to him, it's a good thing.

I ask him about his next cycling trip and he states it is going to be Lake Superior, the one we talked about sharing, now only a wishfilled memory of something the two of us could have done, would have done if fate hadn't taken matters into it's own hands.

He tells me he heard I have a boyfriend, even when I try to remain anonymous gossip has it's way of following me.  Why people are interested in my love life I'll never comprehend, but it's happened on more than one occasion.  I really didn't want to talk about my relationship with him because I am currently angry and thinking that it was soon meant to end.

He accuses me of making my rounds with English Truckers, Plenty of Fish or POF as it's know is home to many types of men, from many nationalities and walks of life.  The first trucker I was involved with a few years ago, I broke up with because I wasn't in frame of mind to give him what he wanted, he found someone and I'm happy for him.  This guy was the only one I wanted to stay with but he broke up with me.  My current Englishman who I told no I wasn't interested, when he first  messaged me on plenty of fish because I didn't want to be involved with a trucker period after the one that broke my heart, but something in his reply made me realize that I'm being bias.  I've had dates with many men on dating sites since I first went on in 2004 but I don't think dating three that are English trucker drivers would make me an English trucker serial dater.  He can believe what he wants because he has a right to his own opinion and I've found out his opinion is the only one that matters to him.

I finally get around to ask for the answers he refused to give me and it's when I realize that we both made mistakes, because we couldn't understand the others point of few.  I guess it is finally the closure I required, unfortunately for me it is bitter sweet, for I still had hopes he contacted me because he wanted to see me again perhaps to reconnect and start a new beginning with clarity.

He promptly states he needs to leave and our conversation and meeting has ended somewhat sadly for me because I didn't want him to leave. As before I get the tail lights because I understand what happened but he still doesn't believe that I had a blackout that night and still doesn't understand my feelings, my needs of what he should have done to reassure me that early morning that could have prevented me leaving in such a state of frustration.

My Closure....

Miss Communication Point One: 

His Take:

He didn't believe that I really did have a black out that night, he still thinks I'm lying. 

Solution: He could have been open to possibilities that I was telling the truth.  Have I ever behaved like that with him before?  Does she have an existing condition like Diabetes's that could have caused a black out?  How many glasses of wine or alcohol did she drink?  What physically was happening to her, did the wine cause a sugar reaction for her?  Was this something out of character for her?  He could have had a better understanding of what is a blackout:  

"Blackout drinking does not necessarily cause people to lose consciousness or “pass out.” Instead, high alcohol consumption temporarily interferes with the function of the brain, causing the brain to be unable to retain information in short term memory. Many people do lose consciousness at the tail end of a period of blackout drinking, but it is possible to do plenty of mischief while awake. Upon regaining consciousness, the drinker may not know where he or she is or what is going on." 

What he didn't know is that I am borderline diabetic and have been for many years, since I was pregnant with my youngest child, consuming alcohol especially wine which as a high sugar content can cause issues of hypoglycemia, which mimics a drunken stupor.  I am predisposed to believe that was the problem with me that night and not something put into my drink.

My Take: 

I had a blackout that night and couldn't remember the events that had transpired.   

Solution: To understand that he could possibly have doubts that I was not telling the truth, accept his opinion and try to educate him him to look at a wider picture of understanding others points of view.  People really do have blackouts which doesn't mean they simple pass out, they don't remember what has happened.  Better awareness of listening skills that others react differently than oneself to situations.

Miss Communication Point Two:

His Take and his needs:

He told me the final straw was when I stormed out at 4:00 am, he told me to go to bed, I wouldn't listen.  All he wanted to do was go back to sleep, he told me he had been sitting up for hours to ensure I wouldn't choke if I got sick.  That I had sprawled out across the bed and he couldn't move me.  My behaviour was unacceptable to him.  The simple solution to him would have been to do as he told me. 

Solution: Understanding that we have two different needs, his need to sleep and mine to know what happened. Assuming what the other person is thinking is a common mistake. He should have asked the question, why is she going on about this? Does she needs some kind of reassurance?  Perhaps it would be better to put his arms around me and walk me back to bed so we both can calm down and go to sleep and talk about it in the morning. Besides he could have finally slept in his bed which is more comfortable than the futon and I wouldn't be hogging the whole bed.

My Take and my needs:

I woke up confused, why was I in his bed alone, I couldn't remember how I got there, the last thing I remembered was I was sitting at the bar with him and his friend.  I thought why is he sleeping on the couch?  Is he mad at me?  Did I do something that I should be ashamed of?  I still think I was feeling the effects of the alcohol from the evening prior.  My need was to have questions answered, even if it was 4:00 am, he was outright refusing to answer them making me think I did something bad?  His yelling at me didn't alleviate my fears, but it did spark a bit of frustration that he wouldn't communicate with me and prompted me to leave as he obviously didn't care to enlighten me on the subject, no communication. The simple solution to me was a reassurance of some kind from him that he still cared not just being told to do something.

Solution:  Was he tired, did he have to go out driving that day? Why was I being so insistant and stubborn?  Did I think of what he was thinking? Perhaps I should have just listened to him and gone to bed after all it was 4:00 am and I should have waited until morning so I didn't disturb his sleep or mind any longer, he is a trucker and driving all day tired is not wise.  But again different personalities and not knowing how to react or assuming what the other person is thinking and not being open to other possibilities.

So in conclusion, mistakes were made by both parties, we are equally to blame for the events that transpired that night, we are both terrible listeners and didn't think of the each others feelings.  I can truthfully say  I have forgiven him and know in my heart if he wanted to forgive me too and start fresh I would do it in a heartbeat. But only if he can honestly say he truly loves me with all his heart.

Fast Foward

So what does that say about the situation with my current boyfriend, I still think since he decided on his own to skip out of country without consultation, he no longer can be what I would call a boyfriend, you don't do that to someone you care about.  Can I trust him?  Do I care for him?  Do I love him? I wonder, I've been that caregiver all my life, feeling sorry for the down and out, the lonely, these types flock to me like moths to a flame.  I have to wonder if I'm falling into that caregiver role with this one. He sometimes reminds me of a lost soul, like a young child and all I want to try to do is make his problems go away.  To be truthful if he let go of his material things in Spain and didn't dwell on what he had, and worked towards an enjoyable life in Canada or England for that matter he would be a happier soul.  Do I want to be a caregiver?  

A caregiver role is to be there to listen to the negativity that those in need cause for themselves to try to guide them to see the light.  These types are frantic to succeed in life on what ever need they hold dear to them and when they don't they spiral down into the depths of negativity.  They look for the light or beings of light, earth angels who they think can save them from their despair.  If only they could understand that these earth angels are not there to save them only to guide, it is up to them to save themselves by giving up on what they unknowingly hold dear, to finally release the thing that has bound them in chains.  It is up to them to see the light.   No I just want to live a normal life with someone who knows how to take care of themselves and will want to be an equal with me.  Someone happy with their life and the circumstances surrounding it, not always looking for the rainbow, but content with what they are doing and what they have.  A intelligent brother-in-law once told me, him and my sister live a simple life and they are very happy together living their dream.

So this Valentines Day I will be alone with nobody who I can say cares or loves me, which seems to be the pattern of my life for many past years.

My motto is "Lighten the load of material responsibility, grasp the spiritual side of life and the beauty of the earth that surrounds us"  What does one need to make their life happy.....a little bit of money to eat, sleep and a whole lot of love with the right soul.