Its the end of February 2015 and I don't know where 2014 passed. So much has happened in the last three months. In July of 2014 I started corresponding with the love of my life again. Yes, the gentle giant that broke my heart three years ago. It seems the breakup was meant to be for a short time, in order to grow and change to who I always could be, not running from the demons of my past.
We started off slow and simple with no expectations and as I always knew have grown to love him more and more with each passing day. On his birthday in October he injured his shoulder in a work related accident, as I remained by his side, unexpectedly I received notice that my mother was dying of cancer and would only last till Christmas or so the prognosis went.
With brother number two in hand we flew to be by her side the end of November along with sister number 1. Spending what is to be her last Christmas was hard on all of us, the siblings who stayed for two months and the ones who could only stay, a weekend, a month or a day. As her strength was dwindling, ours as well, a decision to leave and say our goodbyes seemed the best solution. It was with heavy heart I left at the end of January 2015. But not before my love came and spent New Years Eve with me and my sister, a gift of love, even though he will not admit it yet. He drove all the way to British Columbia from Manitoba just to see me again, while recuperating from surgery he had December 1, 2014.
His physio-therapy started the Monday he drove back, and has improved in leaps and bounds. I was so happy when I got back home to hold him in my arms, snuggle with him and just enjoy each others company.
Valentines day he surprised me as no one ever has before, he booked a romance package at a nearby Casino, with a 5 course meal, dancing, music, a bouquet of roses, champagne, chocolates and a night that will always remain dear to me. Our relationship seems to be so much stronger, so much clearer now than it was before, can't wait to see what the future will bring.
As I write this my mother is still alive, but I do have an earth angel, a friend from my teenage past who visits here, feeds her, checks with the nurses and gets back to me, a give from god. I love my mother dearly, but still pray that God will send his angel to call her home and take away her pain. I know my father will be waiting, patiently for her, she just needs to not be afraid and believe that all her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren will be okay, that it is finally her time to, as I believe "go home".
This year will be all about exercise and healthy eating. To accomplish that, I will begin training myself in the art of bicycling, adding more distance each month. with my women's group Experience Manitoba. You see, my gentle giant loves to bicycle, and the time he is back home, will be our time, outdoors in nature, enjoying sunrises, sunsets, winding roads and glass mirrored lakes. The most simple and beautiful part of living. Life has just begun and I'm looking forward to it with such enthusiasm.
Tuesday, 30 September 2014
Time Passing
Wow I can't believe it's been over a year since my last post. So much has changed. My guy came back and yep you guessed it left before Christmas again. He's still over in Spain. I think the only reason I held on for as long as I did is because he lived with me and I felt responsible for his sad sorry life.
Well guess what? I don't care about anyone's sad sack life anymore, I just care about where my life is heading. I'm back seeing the last gentleman who broke my heart but we seemed to have healed the past. He always held a strong place in my heart.
I'm back at work building up for a road trip down the pacific coast highway Thelma and Louise style in January. Watch for next posting....
I didn't post this last February and now have just reread it, I still feel this unrest in my soul, a need to just run away from all life's responsibilities and live free....fly away like a butterfly.
My thoughts are in turmoil as we approach Valentines Day. Thanks to 123Greetings.com for the picture as it does express how I'm feeling. It never ceases to amaze me how events can change a persons outlook, how easy it is to accept things and make excuses for people because you really want to have a special someone in your life.
I have big life changing decisions to make in the coming year, after all it is my year of continuing change. The transformation starting in May of 2010 which was stalled this past year 2012 will be closer to being achieved this year 2013.
When I first retired it was my intention to work a tax season which would run from February/March to June have my summer off and then find temp work from September to November/December leaving me time to go south where it is warmer for December/January or February. That didn't materialize in 2010 as I was called back to help out in the occupation that I retired in.
2013 has me finally on track with a position for the tax season and possible program there in the fall. This is the first of the changes I'll be making this year.
Rewind
December 2012, my love interest informs me that he is returning to Spain before Christmas and doesn't know when he will be back. I guess the first suspicion should have been to me was when he sold his vehicle in September, I thought something was amiss but who knows what anyone is really thinking. One of my fallibleness is that I'm too trusting that people are telling the truth, I always give them the benefit of the doubt. The thought in the back of my mind remains. As I sit here I'm still angry, I know he knew that he wanted to go back to Spain to get away from winter, I feel he didn't take me into consideration when making his choices. Relationships are all about communication and I feel he did just what he wanted to do, something that tells me I'm not an important equation in his life. Anyone that can make decisions without consulting the one who should matter to them, means that person doesn't really care deeply.
Now I ask you my readers, who leaves someone they supposedly care for prior to Christmas and doesn't give that person proper notice or consideration in their decision?
Christmas, New Years Eve and Valentines day are the most important days of the year for family, and those you truly care about. All three of these occasions I sit here by myself, alone, realizing that what I thought we may have is not what is real. I'm not sure I can get past this transgression by someone who I thought really cared for me. I know from a former 4 year relationship that some men are smooth talkers, they tell you things that you want to here, but they don't mean it. They say sometimes we are blind to the facts when we want something so bad. What I wanted was a man who put me first, who loved me unconditionally, who thought of my feelings, who communicated truthfully, who loved me for better or for worse.
My favourite way of putting it follows:
Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead
of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under
the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch
you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to
show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in
front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup
on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how
lucky is is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says,
'that's her.'
I feel like I've fell backwards in my search for true lasting love and to complicate it further recent events has produced this further turmoil within me.
Rewind
October 2011, you'll remember me writing about the man who broke my heart one October day when he wouldn't return my calls, wouldn't tell me why he didn't want to see me, wouldn't tell me what I had done the evening before that I felt he was so mad with me about.
Two weeks ago I had a voice message on my Skype, a voice from the past, someone who I would never have suspected to contact me again for any reason. Fond memories of Cougar and Mercury flashed through my mind as he told me he was putting to print a new book with my writings I contributed from two trips I took with him. He wanted to know if I wanted a copy, I was so taken back by the fact he contacted me. Someone who I was never able to get closure from, someone who had hurt me so bad, the worst I've ever been hurt. My best friend told me that this man had made me feel so bad about myself that she had really been very concerned for me, that the events were something beyond my control and I shouldn't blame myself.
Before Christmas in 2011, I went to church one Sunday morning with a girlfriend to try and find some peacefully resolve to the pain I was going through. The sermon was about Mary and Joseph, Mary who was pregnant and Joseph who had to make some choices as the baby was not his. In the end Joseph decided to believe Mary's baby was ordained by a higher order and not infidelity and stayed with her. I felt that had meaning to my own situation and that God, my angels had answered me and did rest my pain somewhat, in my situation he decided not to believe me and terminated our relationship, something I would have to accept and move on from.
I sent a reply back stating that I would indeed be interested in a copy as I wanted to see if my writings were intact, which he stated were unless I wanted something removed. I told him I wanted nothing removed as they were a true testament to my feelings and what happened during those two trips. He explained that when he got it from print he would contact me again.
Two weeks later, he messages me that he has the book and we decide to meet at Tim Hortons close to where I work. He is there already when I arrive, I get myself a tea and promptly sit down across from him. All my old feelings are coming to the forefront, I realise I never really moved on as the song "Lips of an Angel" goes. I still love him....
We talk about the book, I tell him I'm infamous, he corrects me with the correct pronunciation which made me laugh. He has a little thank you for the Cougar at the end of the book. I wonder why he went to the trouble to contact me and want to gift me with a copy? For me I knew I wanted to see him again, bringing to mind the Zac Brown song "Colder Weather". I for one want to know why his answer was:
"She'd trade Colorado if he'd take her with him
Closes the door before the winter lets the cold in,
And wonders if her love is strong enough to make him stay,
She's answered by the tail lights
Shining through the window pane"
He tells me he bought a house with a mate, I tell him he is finally setting down roots in Canada. I tell him about the things I've done over the last year.
One thing I do notice is he is looking me in the eye as we speak, something he always avoided before. I make comment on it to him, it's a good thing.
I ask him about his next cycling trip and he states it is going to be Lake Superior, the one we talked about sharing, now only a wishfilled memory of something the two of us could have done, would have done if fate hadn't taken matters into it's own hands.
He tells me he heard I have a boyfriend, even when I try to remain
anonymous gossip has it's way of following me. Why people are
interested in my love life I'll never comprehend, but it's happened on
more than one occasion. I really didn't want to talk about my relationship with him because I am currently angry and thinking that it was soon meant to end.
He accuses me of making my rounds with English Truckers, Plenty of Fish or POF as it's know is home to many types of men, from many nationalities and walks of life. The first trucker I was involved with a few years ago, I broke up with because I wasn't in frame of mind to give him what he wanted, he found someone and I'm happy for him. This guy was the only one I wanted to stay with but he broke up with me. My current Englishman who I told no I wasn't interested, when he first messaged me on plenty of fish because I didn't want to be involved with a trucker period after the one that broke my heart, but something in his reply made me realize that I'm being bias. I've had dates with many men on dating sites since I first went on in 2004 but I don't think dating three that are English trucker drivers would make me an English trucker serial dater. He can believe what he wants because he has a right to his own opinion and I've found out his opinion is the only one that matters to him.
I finally get around to ask for the answers he refused to give me and it's when I realize that we both made mistakes, because we couldn't understand the others point of few. I guess it is finally the closure I required, unfortunately for me it is bitter sweet, for I still had hopes he contacted me because he wanted to see me again perhaps to reconnect and start a new beginning with clarity.
He promptly states he needs to leave and our conversation and meeting
has ended somewhat sadly for me because I didn't want him to leave. As before I get the tail lights because I understand what happened but he still doesn't believe that I had a blackout that night and still doesn't understand my feelings, my needs of what he should have done to reassure me that early morning that could have prevented me leaving in such a state of frustration.
My Closure....
Miss Communication Point One:
His Take:
He didn't believe that I really did have a black out that night, he still thinks I'm lying.
Solution: He could have been open to possibilities that I was telling the truth. Have I ever behaved like that with him before? Does she have an existing condition like Diabetes's that could have caused a black out? How many glasses of wine or alcohol did she drink? What physically was happening to her, did the wine cause a sugar reaction for her? Was this something out of character for her? He could have had a better understanding of what is a blackout:
"Blackout drinking does not necessarily cause people to lose
consciousness or “pass out.” Instead, high alcohol consumption
temporarily interferes with the function of the brain,
causing the brain to be unable to retain information in short term
memory. Many people do lose consciousness at the tail end of a period of
blackout drinking, but it is possible to do plenty of mischief while
awake. Upon regaining consciousness, the drinker may not know where he
or she is or what is going on."
What he didn't know is that I am borderline diabetic and have been for many years, since I was pregnant with my youngest child, consuming alcohol especially wine which as a high sugar content can cause issues of hypoglycemia, which mimics a drunken stupor. I am predisposed to believe that was the problem with me that night and not something put into my drink.
My Take:
I had a blackout that night and couldn't remember the events that had transpired.
Solution: To understand that he could possibly have doubts that I was not telling the truth, accept his opinion and try to educate him him to look at a wider picture of understanding others points of view. People really do have blackouts which doesn't mean they simple pass out, they don't remember what has happened. Better awareness of listening skills that others react differently than oneself to situations.
Miss Communication Point Two:
His Take and his needs:
He told me the final straw was when I stormed out at 4:00 am, he told me to go to bed, I wouldn't listen. All he wanted to do was go back to sleep, he told me he had been sitting up for hours to ensure I wouldn't choke if I got sick. That I had sprawled out across the bed and he couldn't move me. My behaviour was unacceptable to him. The simple solution to him would have been to do as he told me.
Solution: Understanding that we have two different needs, his need to sleep and mine to know what happened. Assuming what the other person is thinking is a common mistake. He should have asked the question, why is she going on about this? Does she needs some kind of reassurance? Perhaps it would be better to put his arms around me and walk me back to bed so we both can calm down and go to sleep and talk about it in the morning. Besides he could have finally slept in his bed which is more comfortable than the futon and I wouldn't be hogging the whole bed.
My Take and my needs:
I woke up confused, why was I in his bed alone, I couldn't remember how I got there, the last thing I remembered was I was sitting at the bar with him and his friend. I thought why is he sleeping on the couch? Is he mad at me? Did I do something that I should be ashamed of? I still think I was feeling the effects of the alcohol from the evening prior. My need was to have questions answered, even if it was 4:00 am, he was outright refusing to answer them making me think I did something bad? His yelling at me didn't alleviate my fears, but it did spark a bit of frustration that he wouldn't communicate with me and prompted me to leave as he obviously didn't care to enlighten me on the subject, no communication. The simple solution to me was a reassurance of some kind from him that he still carednot just being told to do something.
Solution: Was he tired, did he have to go out driving that day? Why was I being so insistant and stubborn? Did I think of what he was thinking? Perhaps I should have just listened to him and gone to bed after all it was 4:00 am and I should have waited until morning so I didn't disturb his sleep or mind any longer, he is a trucker and driving all day tired is not wise. But again different personalities and not knowing how to react or assuming what the other person is thinking and not being open to other possibilities.
So in conclusion, mistakes were made by both parties, we are equally to blame for the events that transpired that night, we are both terrible listeners and didn't think of the each others feelings. I can truthfully say I have forgiven him and know in my heart if he wanted to forgive me too and start fresh I would do it in a heartbeat. But only if he can honestly say he truly loves me with all his heart.
Fast Foward
So what does that say about the situation with my current boyfriend, I still think since he decided on his own to skip out of country without consultation, he no longer can be what I would call a boyfriend, you don't do that to someone you care about. Can I trust him? Do I care for him? Do I love him? I wonder, I've been that caregiver all my life, feeling sorry for the down and out, the lonely, these types flock to me like moths to a flame. I have to wonder if I'm falling into that caregiver role with this one. He sometimes reminds me of a lost soul, like a young child and all I want to try to do is make his problems go away. To be truthful if he let go of his material things in Spain and didn't dwell on what he had, and worked towards an enjoyable life in Canada or England for that matter he would be a happier soul. Do I want to be a caregiver?
A caregiver role is to be there to listen to the negativity that those in need cause for themselves to try to guide them to see the light. These types are frantic to succeed in life on what ever need they hold dear to them and when they don't they spiral down into the depths of negativity. They look for the light or beings of light, earth angels who they think can save them from their despair. If only they could understand that these earth angels are not there to save them only to guide, it is up to them to save themselves by giving up on what they unknowingly hold dear, to finally release the thing that has bound them in chains. It is up to them to see the light. No I just want to live a normal life with someone who knows how to take care of themselves and will want to be an equal with me. Someone happy with their life and the circumstances surrounding it, not always looking for the rainbow, but content with what they are doing and what they have. A intelligent brother-in-law once told me, him and my sister live a simple life and they are very happy together living their dream.
So this Valentines Day I will be alone with nobody who I can say cares or loves me, which seems to be the pattern of my life for many past years.
My motto is "Lighten the load of material responsibility, grasp the spiritual side of life and the beauty of the earth that surrounds us" What does one need to make their life happy.....a little bit of money to eat, sleep and a whole lot of love with the right soul.
This is the second year I have gone to our little version of Mardi Gras aka Winnipeg Style. This year there were a few more of us than last, and a good time was had by all.
The food was not that spectacular but last year I did try some alligator fritters, this year I opted for a Po Sandwich which is a baget, tomato, lettuce, cheese and beef sandwich, much to big for me to finish.
All throughout the evening there was dancing, the cougar's favourite past time. It sure is strange when you go to this event how many people you run into that you haven't seen for a long time.
There were guys on stilts, women dressed in the scanties and feathers, drag queens because they have a contest, and everywhere you look are people in costumes and masks.
There is also a show of three women who twirl fifty feet up in the air doing acrobat's on two streamers of cloth. The band is from down south and they play a mean set, longer than most bands at the local bars.
But all good things must come to an end, with a birthday party tomorrow night at the George, this cougar needed some down time to ensure she has her rest. Now the George strangely enough is the first bar I ever went into when the age limit in Manitoba dropped from twenty one to eighteen. Never mind that I was only fourteen at the time, but it does bring back some old memories, good times of my youth.
A New Year Another New Beginning another blank page before me....."Unwritten"
This year I'm feeling such peace, happiness and contentment. I just can't wait for the treasures it will bring, the places I will see, the things I will do. I forgive every transgression by every other man in my life who shaped me to be a better woman for a man deserving of my love. Perhaps this year God and my guardian angles will finally answer my prayers.
Kelowna and back the first time I was ever excited to take someone home to meet my mother!
The road is long with many a winding turn
Mission Creek Parkway, Kelowna, BC Canada
Its' a weeks holiday and my honey and me are on my way to Kelowna, BC, I'm on my iphone and listing my way to Kelowna on Facebook.
September 27, 2012 is the last day of my current job contract the next one doesn't start until October 22nd. I have three full weeks but my highlander only has 11 days before he needs to hit the road again, a truckers life.
Friday September 28th we are off on the road by 8:30 A.M taking my blue beauty the Ford Focus because it's newer and good on gas. I'm driving the first part to Regina where my honey will take over, music playing we chat, laugh and make our way down the highway. The prairies are boring to most, and it's no different with my highlander, I sometimes like the way the wind blows through the fields of golds, greens and purples but this trip is late in the fall and all you see is dead dried fields everywhere.
Our first stop is Regina Saskatchewan were we fill up I still don't know the full capacity of my fuel tank and the kilometers it will allow me. We grab a coffee at the Husky and we are on our way. He stops at the Husky's and collects points so our coffee is free, we've also filled up with triple the points so he has enough for at least two showers when he's back work.
My highlander has taken over the driving and I sit back to manage the songs we will be listening to. My vehicle has a ipod connection and one can not go anywhere without good music to whittle away the miles. I even take the time to download songs on itune from his favorite group Westlife. My highlander is such a romantic, he had me look up these songs while he was still in Spain and they tugged at my heart.
We've brought along some sandwiches that my honey made so we can capitalize on our driving time. So at Moose Jaw, SK we stop to get another coffee, eat our lunch and stretch our legs.
Our next stop is dinner or tea time as he calls it in Red Cliff, Alberta, he decided he would drive the rest of the way with me taking over in the morning.
Medicine Hat and soon dinner at Red Cliff
Our target is Strathmore where we are both okay to just bunk down in the vehicle and have a shower in the Husky in the morning with a good hearty breakfast. We have hotels booked in Golden and Three Valley Gap as well as Kelowna. We reach our destination around 11:30 pm but it's only 10:30 as we gained an hour going west.
Lucie is eager for a view of the Rockies although she has been there before with the Highlander
Saturday morning there is a crispness in the air, sure signs that fall has set into Canada. We have our shower together and a good hearty meal and we set off. My honey decides he will continue to drive to Golden, with me doing the driving once we get to Kelowna. I'm happy to view the gorgeous scenery of the great Canadian Rockies and take pictures.
Ominous clouds just out of Calgary
We've come into the majestic Canadian Rockies and I continue to look and take a few pictures of the beauty around us on our way to our first stop Banff.
We come up to Banff National Park and I have my honey swing in so we can get a park pass. If you want to stop in a Canadian National Park you have to have a park pass. I have a Pass that I need to show them courtesy of my current employer, so with paper attached to the windshield away we go to explore Banff National Park.
Our first stop is the town of Banff and a view of the Bow River which lies in view of the Fairmont Banff Springs Hotel. I have researched a few places I want to see while on this adventure and this is my first place.
Bow River - Banff, Alberta Canada
After partaking of the beautiful view of the falls in Banff it's off to Johnston Canyon. Johnston Canyon trail is the busiest hiking trail in the summer mainly because of it's journey to two amazing waterfalls and pools what they call the Ink Pots.
"The trail begins immediately behind Johnston Canyon Lodge. After a short
climb through the forest, it descends and stays close to Johnston Creek
all the way to Lower Falls. Along the way you pass over sturdy iron
catwalks attached beneath overhanging canyon walls, where the turbulent
waters of the creek flow beneath your feet"
Johnston Canyon
One thing about the rivers, streams and lakes in this region is they are clear, emerald and cold, feed from the glaciers high atop the mountains.
A good hike uphill to the upper falls and downhill most of the way back, with the following kilometers hiked:
1.1 - Lower Falls.
2.7 - Upper Falls (1565 m)
We were on a schedule to get in as much as we could so the extra 3.1 kilometers to the 5.8 - Ink Pots (1645 m) will have to wait for another adventure.
With the hike over we continue on our way to Moraine Lake, one of the 41 places in the world to see before you die. It's Number 12 on the list:
Moraine Lake is a glacier fed lake and is famous for it's distinct blue color, although they say June is more impressive for the blue since it crest at that time. It also has the distinction of being on the back of the Canadian $20 bill. My honey takes a picture of me for my bucket list completed.
There are nice condo's around the lake as well as a hotel, I'm thinking it might be a nice place to come in June and have a romantic holiday.
And I take a sneak picture of him as he looks around the lake lol.
After a look around we say goodbye to Moraine Lake and are on our way to impressive Lake Louise
Lake Louise has such a breathtaking landscape, "it’s no surprise that this UNESCO
World Heritage Site has been nominated time and again as a “must-see”
destination for travelers around the world."
Lake Louise, Alberta Canada
And even at the end of September there are lots of tourist and tour buses that converge on this place to take photo's.
Banff Natiional Park completed it's time to head on to Golden and perhaps a stop along the way. While we are driving we see a sign for Crazy Creek Falls and bookmark that to check out along with some others.
There were a few more places we decided we would stop at on our way
back, it had been a long day of seeing the wonders of nature and dinner
and a nice relaxing evening in our hotel in Golden, BC was waiting.
In
Golden we choose a Greek restaurant not far from our hotel it's quite
quaint and with dinner over we head back to hour hotel for a little bit
of R & R.
Sunday September 30, 2012
Mount Revelstoke National Park is another stop on our way to get a park pass to tape to our window as we plan on stopping. We pull into the Discovery centre at Rogers Pass and spend about an hour viewing the artifacts and video's about the area.
Built in an avalanche shelter
The famous arch at Rogers Pass
There was an interesting video on how avalanches and how they fire cannons towards the top of the snow covered mountains to disperse snow that would otherwise fall unsuspectingly on travelers that make their way through the mountains on the Transcanada Highway # 1 and the Coquihalla highway Highway # 5. When I think of the Coquihalla it reminds me of the show Highway thru Hell television series a docureality series about the work crews that patrol B.C.'s Coquihalla Highway in midwinter. When I saw that show I told my honey that he would not be driving to BC in the winter in a semi, I want him around for the rest of my life.
Many years ago he went trucking through the middle east and has many interesting stories somehow I love to listen to them and they don't bother me as he did make it through that part of his life.
As we are driving we come across a place called Giant Cedars Boardwalk Trail and pull in to check it out.
A winding boardwalk through a forrest of cedar trees.
It was a lovely walk through the trees with my honey, my frisky highlander was ready to take me there in the mist of the forest if it hadn't been for the other tourists that stopped to meander through the greenery.
On our way again to Three Valley Gap where we have booked into Three Valley Lake Chateau.
The view is stunning from our balcony, almost makes us want to give up the Ghost Town tour but we settle into our room and head out to visit the Ghost Town.
The ghost town bringing you
back to the pioneer days of a typical 1800’s British
Columbia western town. there are more
than 25 rescued and restored historic buildings,
an
Antique Auto Museum* featuring automobiles dating from
1902, and our Railway Roundhouse*, complete with
turntable, locomotives and rail cars.
I actually had the privilege of riding in one of these when they were still in use in Winnipeg, Manitoba Canada with my mother, just can't remember how old I was.
They even have a haunted train in keeping with the spirit of the ghost town and upcoming Halloween.
The faceless man lol
There were many things to see in this ghost town and I would recommend it to anyone to stop by this Diamond amongst the Canadian Rockies and spend more than a day or two.
The Chateau offers kayaks and canoes for rent and it was the last day for the Glacier helicopter tours, I was tempted but we were only there for the evening because we were leaving for Kelowna in the morning. We were of same mind wishing we would have booked the weekend at this gem in the mountains, but there is always next year and a bucket list item and my dream of white water rafting down the Kicking Horse river.
